My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
