How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Randomize
