Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
