i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
