I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
