So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
