It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
