If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
