don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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