my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
