he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
