My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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