holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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