You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
