The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
