I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
