I should be sponsored by Trojan
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
