how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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