11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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