It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
