We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
