I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
