i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
