i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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