I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
