There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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