Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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