when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
