Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
