its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
