We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
