i already hear my dad disowning me
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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