Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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