just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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