Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
