can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
