I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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