Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
