I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
did you just send me my own nude
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
