i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
