Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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