At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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