If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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