sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I just googled if crying burns calories
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
