Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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