gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
