I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
