Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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