We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
