Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He passed out mid-signature
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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